March comes to an end

15 months and 9 days since my life-changing surgery. It's been a good week for me. I feel strong and confident in my choices. I've made exercise a priority, even though it would have been easy to blow it off because I was gone for 3 days traveling on a business trip. I made food choices the best I could with dining out every meal for 3 days. I've had some confidence-boosting moments as I begin to get attention from complete strangers of the male gender. When my P.A. was telling me this would happen and that it would be an adjustment I just blew it off. I've spent my whole life being invisible. Even when I dated I felt invisible. I don't blame anyone for that feeling but myself - I'm sure I projected an image that was not confident or secure. So TODAY I recognize this change as being good. It makes me blush when I receive the attention but honestly, deep down, I love it. It gives me that little extra boost, it makes me want to make good choices. It gives me hope that I can do this and I will do this!!!! TODAY - a good day. Tomorrow, even better!

Small Goals...

I read this blog yesterday where the person was talking about achieving small goals. I kept repeatedly reading that sentence, pondering the difference between a small goal and large goal. Funny how people's perception of something is so very different. She was comparing her small goal (weighing 199) to her large goal (losing 100 pounds). She had just recently lost 100 pounds and was sharing her celebration. I thought back to my first 100 pounds, while excited I didn't treat it as if it was a "large goal", after all I still had another 100 pounds to lose. Although, I anxiously await for the scale to say 199 and the day it does will be a "large goal" for ME.

At first when I read her blog I was hurt to think that reaching 199 was no big deal....but after thinking about it awhile I realize that PERCEPTION is 90% of this journey. My perception is much different from others that are taking the same journey or even to those that are just outsiders looking in.

I learned something else yesterday after reading her blog....

Cut yourself some slack. I'm doing everything I'm suppose to be doing and while the weight loss is painfully slow, I AM WINNING!!!! Everyday I'm a little closer to reaching my goal. Not because the scale tells me, but because I can honestly say that my relationship with food is so much more healthy and I have a good understanding of the things I need to do to continue my journey. Everyday that I recognize that I'm a work in progress is a success. So, no more beating myself up. I've spent a lifetime doing that and it hasn't done my one bit of good.

Spring is approaching and I feel good about me. Is there room for improvement? ALWAYS. I'm I improving? YES. Do I need a scale to tell me if I'm improving? NO.

Welcoming September with Open Arms...

Yesterday I had my first training session with my personal trainer. It was like breathing life back into me. I could feel the energy building up inside of me. I heard myself saying, "you can do this" and "feels good to be back at it". I know this August thing has to be mental, but historically speaking I have usually done everything to sabotage my entire summer. I do not know what it is about June, July and August - but they just are not my months to shine. It even starts in about late April or early May. I start wanting a change, I feel restless and then I start making bad decisions about what to eat. I start cutting back on my exercise program. History does repeat itself. Surgery or no surgery - this is just a bad time of the year for me.

However, I fought hard this year. I didn't always succeed, but I didn't give up completely. I had bad days, but I also had some great ones. I've been telling myself that August just needs to end and it has.... so on with my new plan to get back on a plan. I'm feeling good and want to do good.

So, a little more about this exercise and the personal trainer. In talking with her she tells her clients to burn 2000 calories a week doing cardiovascular exercise. Hummmmmm. That's a lot. I usually try to go to the gym 4 days a week. So, doing the math that's 500 calories to burn each session. How long will that take me? Well, in my current status - a little over 1 1/2 hours. That's a long time. So, I either have to commit to that or even add a day to my exercise week (that's more likely). Even then I will have to burn 400 calories per session and that's still over 1 hour of exercise. Can I do it? YES! Is it going to be hard? YES! I'm I up for the challenge? YES!

I'm going to hit the ground running with this. I want to make the most of my time with the trainer and that includes the days I'm not meeting with her. So, here goes nothing or should I say here's to shaking up my metabolism - just try and figure out what I'm going to do to you next Mr. Sluggish!

Still Struggling

So, it's been about a week since my last post. I have my appointment with a personal trainer, of course the gym is closed this week for maintenance, so next week I will meet with her. I have reviewed my 10 steps and I really do think I'm doing everything to the best of my ability. I'm a little sick of food right now. There really isn't anything that I care to fix and then have to eat for the week and half. Do you know how crappy that is. Sure I can make a smaller recipe of some things. Other things it just doesn't do you any good because you have a 1/2 a can of this or a 1/2 bag of that hanging around because you just cut the recipe in half, but you can't buy just what you need. Kinda like a double-edged sword.

However, tonight I'm making my version of a BLT. I have fresh garden tomatoes and I can't wait to sink my teeth into them. YUMMY! Maybe this will be the turning point on food. It just hasn't tasted good lately so I don't put a lot of effort into cooking. That's a mistake because then I eat things like canned chili and box mac and cheese. While those are good once in awhile, I don't think they are the best in terms of fat content and calories. Need to make sure these processed foods are not the staple of my diet.

I do enjoy having a garden and things are starting to come to life, other than the zucchini!!!! The corn is a bust - the wind knocked 1/2 of it down and the other half isn't looking much better. The beets have a lot of growing to do. Peppers are just starting to come on and the tomatoes are just staring to ripen. I've waited and waited and when those tomatoes start turning I will probably be pedaling tomatoes to anyone and everyone.

So, still working on the whole struggling thing. One day at a time. I just want to get through August. Bring on September and then maybe I can start having some control again of my destiny. Right now I've put myself on autopilot. I just need to get through a couple more rough weeks and then maybe I can start enjoying everything again.......

Keeping fingers crossed.

Please Lord....

So, I would definitely say that a person can get into a rut with this new lifestyle. I'M STRUGGLING and feel like my rut is just getting deeper and deeper. Everyday I tell myself "new day, new way" and then by the end of the day I've fallen off the plan again and feel bad and guilty for having failed.

I NEED HELP! My friends and family are awesome, but lets face it, my family is many many miles away and my friends while supportive are not necessarily there living this with me. I love each and every one of them, but how are they even going to know that I struggle? That's been one of my worst habits...pretending everything is good on the outside. Can't possibly let anyone know that I'm struggling.

So here's what I've decided to do.

Step 1:
I'm going back to the gym. I'm going to get a personal trainer for 6-weeks to see if I can get help getting off of the longest plateau of my life and get me on a training schedule that I can adhere to.

Step 2:
I'm going to ask for help from my friends. (that won't be easy)

Step 3:
I'm going to review my 10 rules sheet again to make sure I'm following everything as I'm suppose to. Make adjustments as necessary and get out of this rut onto a new attitude!

Wish me luck!

Things I want to do...

I didn't believe all the people that told me I would want to try new things once I started to lose weight. After all isn't that admitting that I didn't do certain things because of my weight. OK, time to come clean with that. I definitely avoided certain activities because of my weight. YIKES! Not only am I realizing this and admitting to it...but I'm finding out that it's more than I even thought. Let's just start with sunny beaches and water. When your morbidly obese you avoid these locations. First, it's usually hot and secondly, bathing suits don't equal comfort levels. I avoided carnivals and fairs - didn't want to get put into a situation of having to admit that I didn't fit in any of the rides. At one point in my morbidly obese state I avoided movie theaters, they weren't comfortable and I felt like a giant sitting next to the friend I went with. Another place of distress - restaurants! Please do seat me in a booth - I won't fit! I can probably think of so many other things like these, but honestly I don't want to dwell on the negative.

When I started this journey I had a BMI of 61 - in case you didn't know this is the category of morbidly obese. Looking back, it didn't scare me - WHY, I do not know but it didn't. Now I think of it and it really scares me. I don't want to go back to that -EVER! Today my BMI is 40 - still considered obese but we get to drop that other awful word, "morbidly". So, as I continue my journey my next BMI category will be "overweight" - not necessarily a popular word, but given where I'm coming from...bring it on.

So, what kind of things do I want to do...

My list is not long, but it's a work in progress. Everyday I have a realization about this weight loss and along with it comes opportunities to dream. Here's my short list...

1) I want to walk/run the 10K in Astoria, Oregon in October 2011
2) I want to go hiking - where? I don't know, but I'll figure it out
3) I want to find someone to love and marry him

Happy Friday Everyone!

210 Days

Two-hundred ten days since I had my surgery (7 months). I can't believe time has passed so quickly. I've lost 118 pounds and I'm feeling great. This experience is like no other. It just can't be explained without writing a 5 page journal, which I'm not going to do. So, I haven't really blogged about this journey as much as I thought I would. I think that's maybe because I am so busy with just trying to keep up with all the rules and checking this and going to this doctor appointment and counting calories and did I get my water intake today and oh no, did I forget to take that last vitamin. Not to mention have I had enough protein today, are you going to the gym or are you walking in the park.....my list of things to do and consider each day is long. HOWEVER, it is getting easier.

Getting easier, let's talk about that for a moment. Sure I've always been one to thrive on structure and so having all these rules to follow each day is becoming routine - that's great, right? WRONG - with routine comes boredom and when I get bored I like to mix things up. Not good. It started in May - when I stopped going to the gym and started walking in the park. Not a bad thing, but my exercise went from 1 1/2 -2 hours to 1 hour and no strength training. Not a good thing. Losing weight this fast and excluding weight training from your exercise routine is a deadly combination. Can you say elephant skin? Along with this change came another - let's get more adventurous with food. YIKES - that may be the most frightening thing I could have done to myself. Why? Well, I'm finding out that I'm going to be one of those RYN patients that can tolerate just about anything. Yep, anything. Now that I know this - it becomes even more important for me to follow the rules. Eat protein first and if there is room left, add some vegetables and fruit. Lots harder to do when you know you can eat pizza and potato chips and pasta salad and the list goes on from there.

So, today I celebrate my 210 days knowing that I'm still a work in progress. I still battle my food demon everyday and that if I agree to allow myself a small indulgence once in a blue moon - all will continue as was started 7 months ago.